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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.