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This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone