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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."