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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
It takes balls to be a man.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer