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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.