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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.