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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.