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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.