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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.