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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.