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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Line forms here for spankings
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.