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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.