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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.