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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?