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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."