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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.