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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?