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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.