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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.