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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!