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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"