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What number SPF blocks people?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I hide my vodka in orange juice
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.