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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
There is no time to check time
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.