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I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.