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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!