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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.