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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.