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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.