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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.