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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99