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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."