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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?