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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?