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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.