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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?