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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Time flies when youβre having a drunken blackout.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
βShh.. Do you hear that?β βWhat? I heard nothing.β βExactly, itβs the sound of no one caring.β
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
The toughest part of a diet isnβt watching what you eatβ¦Itβs watching what other people eat.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, βWhy donβt you stalk me anymoreβ
Iβm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.