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I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I forgot to post this earlier
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch