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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Siri, where are my pants?
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Home is where the alcohol is.