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The black sheep always have the best stories.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.