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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.