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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.