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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.