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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!