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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.