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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.