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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.