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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.