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When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
High fiving was the original "like".
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.