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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.