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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.