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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.