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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.