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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.