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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
This headache feels like dumb people
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.