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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
:): The Bipolar smiley face