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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.