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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...