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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.