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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.