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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?