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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on