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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.