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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I dare you to spit on this status.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook