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How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"