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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
At least a stalker is there for you.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them