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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.