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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.