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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.