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A wise man once said nothing.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Being alive is so expensive.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?